hotgluegone

my process vid ✨ #beadwork #diycraft #peyotestitch #craftwithme #processvideo

I spent a big chunk of my life being an “artist” who didn’t make art. Hiding the most interesting parts of myself. There are lots of reasons why I avoided putting myself out there… - Feeling like I wasn’t talented or “creative” enough - Feeling like I had nothing to say - Feeling like people would judge me - Or even worse… that no one would care Of course I never talked about my feelings in those terms, I didn’t even understand them that way. I used to just tell myself I wasn’t “ready” to make things, or to share them with the world. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always hidden the things I worked on until they were done. Only then would I decide if what I made was “worthy” of being shown to other people. A lot of times I just crumpled up my work and quietly placed it in the company of yesterday’s newspaper. I’m still kind of like that. I want to present myself as talented, confident, and put-together, but I’m not. I’m all over the place. I jump from medium to medium. I’m terrified I’ll never be great at anything, so I hide under the guise of being a beginner at everything I do to justify my lack of perfection. (I mean, I also really do enjoy playing around with different art media.) But part of me is just really scared of committing to something and trying to get good at it. Cause what if I can’t? When I confront the thought head-on, I realize that it’s not some absolute, unshakeable truth. It’s a feeling, rooted in fear. And I don’t want my fears to control how I live my life. The moment I started this beading project, it woke something up in me. I used to bead a lot as a teen. I haven’t used little beads like this in 15 years. But it feels familiar. It feels fun. And when I let myself get excited … it feels like a world of potential for my creative expression. What if I decided I was ready? Ready to do a deep dive into a medium? Ready to explore, to commit, and to show you my journey? Maybe I’ll end up doing it, and maybe I won’t. But I’m ready to tell you I might. (Somehow I feel like I’m always taking myself both way too seriously and not seriously enough… well, welcome to who I really am, lol)

i have a hard time letting people in #artprocess #lifelessons #vulnerability

I’ve always been really uncomfortable asking for help, and I’m starting to realize how much it’s holding me back. I could be doing cooler shit. Becoming a better version of myself. Making more money. I just turned 33. I don’t want to get to 40 and still be living like this. But it’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve always prioritized independence. There’s something comforting about the idea of being self-reliant. It feels safe. But if you scratch below the surface, it’s obviously a lie. There are so many ways I’m not actually doing it all myself. (I don’t know about you, but my food comes from the grocery store, lol.) Even though I know it’s all an illusion, I’m terrified to let go. I’ve waited so long to ask for help, I’m worried that if I start now, people will see me differently. They’ll realize I have no idea what I’m doing. They’re gonna see what a loser I actually am. That feels way too vulnerable to be worth it. As long as I don’t ask for help, things will stay the same, which feels familiar and safe. While journaling about all this, it dawned on me that I’m carrying a lot of shame around not being able to ask for help. I feel stupid for getting in the way of my own joy and success. And. I also realized that I’ve never really seen my parents ask for help. They’re incredibly competent and resourceful. They get help from each other, but outside of that, they are the helpers. Taking care of family members, helping out with renovations, and showing up with cookies every time they visit. They’re on top of everything. Logically, I’m sure they received help for things in life. But I can’t remember ever seeing it. Part of the reason I have trouble asking for help is because I haven’t seen it modeled. When I realized this, I burst into tears of relief. I forgave myself. My parents didn’t do anything wrong—but I’m also not an idiot for struggling with asking for help. Some skills you just gotta pick up later in life.

process & behind-the-scenes shoutout to @bjarnetakata for the photo that inspired this piece (slide 7)

I’ve always been really uncomfortable asking for help, and I’m starting to realize how much it’s holding me back. I could be doing cooler shit. Becoming a better version of myself. Making more money. I just turned 33. I don’t want to get to 40 and still be living like this. But it’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve always prioritized independence. There’s something comforting about the idea of being self-reliant. It feels safe. But if you scratch below the surface, it’s obviously a lie. There are so many ways I’m not actually doing it all myself. (I don’t know about you, but my food comes from the grocery store, lol.) Even though I know it’s all an illusion, I’m terrified to let go. I’ve waited so long to ask for help, I’m worried that if I start now, people will see me differently. They’ll realize I have no idea what I’m doing. They’re gonna see what a loser I actually am. That feels way too vulnerable to be worth it. As long as I don’t ask for help, things will stay the same, which feels familiar and safe. While journaling about all this, it dawned on me that I’m carrying a lot of shame around not being able to ask for help. I feel stupid for getting in the way of my own joy and success. And. I also realized that I’ve never really seen my parents ask for help. They’re incredibly competent and resourceful. They get help from each other, but outside of that, they are the helpers. Taking care of family members, helping out with renovations, and showing up with cookies every time they visit. They’re on top of everything. Logically, I’m sure they received help for things in life. But I can’t remember ever seeing it. Part of the reason I have trouble asking for help is because I haven’t seen it modeled. When I realized this, I burst into tears of relief. I forgave myself. My parents didn’t do anything wrong—but I’m also not an idiot for struggling with asking for help. Some skills you just gotta pick up later in life.

now entering… texture town™ #handembroidery #DIY #frenchknots #creativeprocess

A year ago, my partner @lubalin_vibe_emporium and I started looking for a new apartment. We'd been living in the same place for 9 years—that's a pretty long time to accumulate things and memories (and dust). All of our free time got sucked into the apartment hunt. We were intense about it. We spent hours each day combing through countless rental listings. Most of the photos were taken so sloppily you couldn't tell if the apartment was a reasonable place to live or an absolute dungeon brimming with demons. Beyond that, the search was taking up all the time I'd normally spend on personal projects. I get a lot of joy out of making things. Making art helps me process what I'm going through in life. And it's a way for me to connect with other people. I really felt its loss during that time. Three months later, we finally signed a lease. Huge relief. Of course, it would be two more months until we moved in, so there was planning and sorting and cleaning and packing to do. Just the sort of difficult emotional stuff that I could've put into some art! Moving day finally came. It was pretty surreal to be in our new home. Full of space and potential. I continued to postpone making art while I unpacked, set things up, discovered the neighborhood, and worked on home improvements. These activities all brought me immense joy. But a pesky feeling was gnawing at me. The little voice in the back of my head that said, "You need to get back to your art. That's how you take care of yourself." I felt like I'd let myself down, even though I was just prioritizing other stuff for a while. And it's not the first time I've let go of my art. Life is kinda like that plate-spinning / balancing act trick, and the plates are the things I care about. Which ones am I gonna prioritize to keep them from dropping? Family? Friends? Career? Hobbies? Health? Training to win a hotdog-eating contest? I know nobody can prioritize every single thing all the time. Everybody lets people down, and everybody lets themselves down sometimes. It's the fact that we have to make choices that makes the things we chose so meaningful. I'm back to making art now. In my new apartment.

here’s how the sausage was made #rotoscope #animation #behindthescenes

welcome to part 2 of 1,122 drawings video by @lubalin_vibe_emporium and @hotgluegone illustration and animation: @hotgluegone special thanks: @aimzei #rotoscope #animation

@hotgluegone spent over a year drawing this video 🎨 video by @lubalin_vibe_emporium and @hotgluegone illustration and animation: @hotgluegone special thanks: @aimzei #rotoscope #animation

hey! hi! how are ya? 🦩 i know i've been gone a while. back in early 2020, i pretty much stopped making art while i focused on work. then around september of 2020, @lubalin_vibe_emporium showed me this new song he'd just made, called "what if it's not enough?" from my very first listen, i was geeked. it felt so playful and exciting and free. ✨ i closed my eyes, and i saw an animated music video beginning to take shape. now, i had never animated anything before. i had also never made a music video. but once the idea got into my head, i couldn’t get it out. with luba's support, i jumped in and never looked back. 🤠 a-ha’s "take on me" was a huge source of inspiration for this project. their video uses an animation technique called “rotoscoping,” where you film the content that you want to animate, and then trace over the footage frame-by-frame. that technique ended up being the perfect method for me, since I didn’t know the first thing about animation. anyway, 600 hours of drawing later, it’s finally ready. 🎨 you can watch the full video and learn more about how it was made at the link in my bio! thanks to everyone who supported and encouraged me from behind the scenes. you kept me going 💗